Y El Novio?
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In Latin-American families, once a girl hits puberty, all hell breaks loose.
The famous question arises that creeps into any conversation like a jump scare. ‘Y el Novio?’ they might ask, which translates to ‘And your boyfriend?’
That’s right. While your brothers and male cousins are playing cards or watching soccer, you’re being interviewed on your relationship status. And it’s infuriating.
It’s a common issue Latinas in families experience, unfortunately, but many of us seem to ignore the extreme sexism.
I recently went to Mexico for my cousin’s wedding. Most of my family gatherings consist of loud Mexican 80s music and tequila. Lots of it. So, overall I had a blast. But right when I think I’m making a good conversation with someone, the unnecessary and out-of-the-blue question pops up.
I sat down with my grandma to discuss my senior thesis progress. While explaining my work, she acknowledged it and quickly switched subjects. “And what about your boyfriend? Do you have one now?” Now, I thought, like she was impatient for me to be ‘taken.’ “No,” I responded, “I don’t have time for a relationship,” I added. It seemed like I told her I had failed out of college.
“Well, you better make time soon! You have to!” she said. Huh? Have to? I’ve never heard her say that to my brother. Or any of my male cousins. Maybe it’s a coincidence, I thought. Maybe it’s just my family that’s still living in the 20th century.
It wasn’t just that conversation. That was the beginning of it. I can’t even go that far. My direct family was in on it, too. At the rehearsal dinner, my mom, without my permission or knowledge, asked my cousin (the groom) whether he could set me up with one of the wedding guests.
“Mama! Stop it! I’m not interested. I genuinely don’t have the time or energy,” I interrupted. I felt like a ghost trying to get her attention. She kept going.
“Let’s get her a handsome guy that’s Mexican, 28-30 years old, and dresses well,” she said. I wanted to hide in a corner from embarrassment. How could my own mom put me on the spot like that?
I could talk about the other times I got pulled into unwanted conversations during my trip, but I’d be here forever.
So, I asked my close Latina friends if they’d been asked these questions or forced into being set up.
“It pisses me off. It invalidates everything else I do.”
Bianka Pineda, 21-year-old Honduran, ranted about her family asking if she had a boyfriend with me. Pineda is an interior design student who just finished her senior capstone. She has thousands of topics to talk about before entering the relationship subject. “It pisses me off. It invalidates everything else I do,” she says, “They’re always ignoring my hard work and achievements. They rarely ask my brother if he’s dating anyone, which angers me the most.”
“It makes me feel guilty.”
While Pineda didn’t hesitate to mention her anger, Camilla Freites, 23-year-old Brazilian, felt differently about family members pondering her relationship status. “It makes me feel guilty that I’m focusing on other stuff other than relationships,” she says, “I even start questioning if my only purpose is to get married.”
You get the picture.
I understand that much of Latin America is still rooted in ‘machismo’ or misogyny. But it stings a little worse when it comes from my own roots, my family.
Anyways, I know deep down my family members mean well. But just in case they’re reading:
Querida Familia,
Stop asking me if I have a boyfriend. And stop trying to set me up with strangers. Or else you won’t be invited to my wedding (if I even have one…)
Love,
Your daughter, cousin, niece, and granddaughter.
My family and I at an ice breaker dinner for the wedding in Ensenada, Baja California.
While this is targeted to Latin American families, I want to know if anyone else has experienced this. What did they ask you or do? How did you respond?
